Becoming a Mother


Photo 184

“Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you’re not sure what the right thing is…and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.”
― Donna Ball, At Home on Ladybug Farm

It’s been nearly 15 years since my first child burst from my loins. I believed, at that moment, at 6:48am on October 25, 2000, I was officially a mother. I had passed through the hallowed hallways into the secret passageway, through the magical door. I knew the password, had the special knock memorized and was allowed entry into this strange and foreign place. Foolishly, I believed, that 9 months of pregnancy, gallons of water retention, stretch marks, hemorrhoids, 15 hours of labor and an emergency c-section were the rites of passage required to officially the don the label of MOTHER.

I was young. I was drugged. I was naive. I was foolish. When they handed my first born child to me (after I awoke from my sedated state that mercifully was provided after not quite enough epidural and far too much pain during that sudden cesarean), I was madly in love. Never before had I experienced such pure and endless love. I had heard that some women instantly fall in love with their babies and I feared for months that I would be one of the mothers who stared into their child’s eyes but would not be able to summon that magical adoration. Thankfully, I fell into my baby’s trance and I was consumed with emotion, sobbing when they presented to him in the delivery room (probably a combination of delirium and exhaustion, at that point) and then stared endlessly at him once we were transported to our private sanctuary in the maternity ward. I didn’t want to put him down or let him go. My eyes were fixed on his tiny body, studying every element of his being and trying to connect his pieces to my own. I studied his face looking for my DNA, making sure that, in fact, this precious gem was actually mine to keep. It seemed almost too good to be true. How could I have been so fortunate to have been given this incredible gift? What had I done so right to be granted this state of euphoria that chemically could never be replicated? The world around us stopped and, for the 3 1/2 days that we were nestled away in my hospital bed, working through our introductions and getting all the formalities out of the way (he refused to breast feed; I had no idea how to handle that mutilated little penis; I feared I would break him by pulling his legs up too hard when I changed his diapers) it was all about us and falling in love. It was our own special honeymoon where we were waited on hand and foot and, occasionally, I would allow others to breathe in the special tonic that was created uniquely for me.

I went through the whole process again three years later and, while there was a little less drama in the delivery, the outcome was just the same. The second boy was a bit more accommodating and latched on immediately. He had me wrapped around his tiny, chubby little finger from his first howl. Unlike his older sibling, he acquiesced, nuzzling me and seemingly attempting to climb back into the womb until he was about 8 or 9 years old. He could not get close enough to his mama. Through all of this, despite how much I adored my boys and regardless of my commitment to love and support them through the days of their lives, I became increasingly aware that motherhood is not a one-step process. There is not a doorway that you pass through and, upon entry, you earn your stripes. Motherhood is a long, harrowing process that requires continued focus, passion and effort in order to achieve any level of mastery. You will be required to take tests, be re-certified (on a fairly regular basis) and, just when you think you have cracked the code, you will be reminded that you have not even scratched the surface of what you need to learn.

I never really wanted to be a mother. It was not on my bucket list of endeavors. Frankly, I never thought much about it one way or the other. I was far more focused on the elements of my life that I could grasp – education, career, maybe love. If it was not in my line of sight, it was really not on my mind. But then, after several years of marriage, that proverbial biological clock started to tick so loudly that it was deafening. Suddenly, everywhere I turned, my friends were having babies.  And I would hold these babies and feel this warmth wash over me and I was left feeling empty when I had to return these bundles of joy to their respective mothers. I started finding myself envious of my exhausted and disheveled friends while I sat put-together and carefree. I was no longer interested in my easy life of going to work, going out to dinner, hopping in the car for a weekend getaway or vacations that required a few pairs of underwear (or maybe none at all!). There was no longer a question or debate about whether or not I wanted to have children. Now the conversation turned to when we would start a family. I feared, rightfully so, that I would have trouble conceiving and, I suppose, I might have been avoiding the hard truth by not seriously beginning my effort to become pregnant. Alas, after lots of intervention and a medical device resembling a turkey baster, baby number one arrived – despite the doctor’s admonitions that I should not get my hopes up for a pregnancy the first time around. Ha! He had no idea what an overachiever I am! Pregnancy number two was easy and came way faster than we had expected and ended far more horribly than we could have imagined. 5 weeks along, something was very wrong. My doctors assumed it was a miscarriage but I was certain it was worse. The pain was intolerable. Two emergency room visits later and I was in emergency surgery to deal with a ruptured fallopian tube that left me with just one that was blocked by scar tissue from the cesarean. I left the hospital a day later bewildered and depressed. No second baby and even more infertility. It was time to take this effort to the next level and so began the injections and every other day visits to the fertility clinic. We had thirteen fertilized embryos and two of them were gingerly placed into my uterus, in hopes that one (just one, please) would be welcomed into our world 9 months later. Laser focused on my goal, I was fortunate enough to see one little heartbeat 8 weeks later. Before we got the news that we had successfully conceived our second child, we had to make the decision whether or not we wanted to freeze the 11 remaining embryos as an insurance policy (or for our future family expansion). We were pretty confident that we were set with the two kids and, frankly, we were out of money. We had spent a fortune on the drugs and treatments and simply couldn’t bear another cent – and the cryogenics were not cheap. We rolled the dice and were blessed with our little test tube boy.

This morning, I sat with my husband and my two boys – who are now a long way from those pink 8 lb. bundles that I swaddled so tenderly so many years ago – and thought about the gift that I was given in the form of both of my children. They are each so different from the other and, yet, they are a perfect combination of my husband and me. Their wit and their determination are decidedly mine (although my husband will say the humor is all him). They are boys that I am proud of and, when I think about why I wanted to have children, it is for moments like today when I can look at their now adolescent faces and feel the sheer amazement that these people are a pure part of me. I work hard to be a good mother to my children and make every effort to create an environment for them to feel loved and secure. And, I set boundaries that are difficult and continue to grow as I make one mistake after another. I don’t compare myself to other mothers because that is a foolish endeavor. We are all different but we share one commonality. We all have that secret handshake knowing that we love our children more than ourselves. We would die for them. Regardless of how old they are or how difficult they might be, whether their skin is covered in acne or their hair has started to grey, we still see those tiny faces, all pink and chubby, and we remember that they are a part of us. And even for those whose children came to them from other mothers, that moment when your child becomes yours or calls you “mommy” or holds your hand or hugs you tight, you are whisked away to the island of motherhood. It is the hardest job we will ever have – one where there is no proper training to provide you with the skills you will need – and it is the most rewarding and gratifying experience you will ever have. No matter how difficult my life gets, no matter how many bumps I need to endure, my children always ground me and help me find reality. For, because of them, I am in a constant state of growth and evolution and will continue to strive to be a better person. I am a mother and, therefore, I am blessed.

IMG_0075tom and matt sleeping at hotel

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

LIVING LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE


the other side

“The great courageous act that we must all do, is to have the courage to step out of our history and past so that we can live our dreams.”  ― Oprah Winfrey

It’s been nearly two months since I started my cleanse. And, almost exactly one month since it ended. I have been living in this newly-designed life for a bit now and it is finally feeling like my new normal. Remarkably, so much has changed since before the cleanse when I set this unofficial line of demarcation. It turned out to be a truly distinct moment in time when life as I knew it became altered. Without question, I’ve shifted, as I have so many times before, moving along my own personal continuum to achieve some level of personal success and satisfaction. We all make the journey through life, seeking fulfillment and pleasure and, for some, it comes in big bursts and for others, like me, it sneaks up on your subtly without you really noticing it until, suddenly, it is there and you can’t avoid recognizing the alteration. If you’re like me, that feeling is like crack – you want more and more, constantly seeking out personal growth and enlightenment. And, the further along the continuum I travel, the deeper the chasm that exists between my life now and my life before.

Now, I’m living life on the other side. My life feels oddly new and different and yet I know I am just a more improved version of the same person I have always been. My cleanse – both the emotional and the physical – allowed me to distance myself from the elements in my life that were no longer working. Gone are the inconsequential relationships that sucked up my time but provided no meaning to my life. Thankfully, I am no longer a slave to Facebook, constantly seeking some type of validation or creating an artificial sense of belonging. In fact, I have had countless experiences over the past few months where people commented to me about the goings-on of acquaintances on Facebook and I have felt an incredible sense of satisfaction that I was no longer in the know. I am not privy to all the status updates and, while I miss seeing some of the photos and have definitely missed way too many birthdays, my peace of mind is far more important and I feel liberated from the monotony of scrolling through posts in order to reinforce to myself how much better everyone else’s life is than mine. The other day, I was texting with a girlfriend and commented that I am missing so much by not being on Facebook and she generously retorted by saying that I am missing nothing. Those who I need to be talking to, I am – case in point my friend with whom I was having a lovely text exchange. I can count on two (maybe even one) hand the number of people I regularly communicate with in contrast to the dozens and dozens I would banter endlessly with or force myself to create relationships with “offline” and I am certain my interactions have taken on a much higher quality now. That means everything to me.

The most important element of how I am living my life is how I look at myself, overall. I’ve recently had to confront my challenges with being happy and accepting contentment. Being an eternal seeker, I am endlessly looking at the ways in which I can better my life and, while I am not naturally a negative person, I do tend to focus, personally, on my weaknesses as a tool in which to measure my requirements for growth. Sure, I am hard on myself and tend to have perfectionist tendencies, but I wholeheartedly appreciate my process for raising my own performance standards. And, most significantly, I do not impose any of my standards on anyone else. This drive for improvement is absolutely an internal process. As a result of this, there is always a sense of incompleteness to my life. Just as I can reach above the bar, I raise it, quickly forcing a new goal and setting a new standard. I recognize that this limits my ability to bask in my success and appreciate my accomplishments so it is something I am working hard to improve upon – without, of course, forcing myself into yet another competition with myself to make advancements without acknowledging my progress.

Just this past week, I received some great news about some financial matters I was dealing with and the outcome was relieving a huge burden off my shoulders. Something that I had been struggling with for nearly two years was coming to a resolution and I was able to exhale a gigantic sigh of relief. The elation from the news – the exact solution I was hoping for – was short-lived. Within a few days, I felt a nagging sense of anxiety growing within me but I could not place the source. This has become uncharacteristic for me because, since the cleanse, I have been very in touch with my feelings and emotions and have not allowed myself to run away from my feelings. The removal of food as a distraction from my stress or anxiety has been enormously beneficial as I am constantly present and working through whatever is causing me difficulty. In fact, in complete contrast, lately I have had an unusual sense of calm about me and have made my peace with a lot of the aspects of my life about which I am typically uneasy. It took me by surprise to feel this sense of deflation and to experience this overwhelming stress. What quickly came to mind is that I was manufacturing my own duress. Like many times before in my life, I was a filling a void and keeping myself in what felt like a safe and familiar bunker. Something needed to replace the worry that had been ever-present in my life for the past several years. In contrast, peace and solitude are unfamiliar to me so it is not all that surprising that I would create something to help me comfortably stay in the familiar state of discomfort. When the reality sunk in about what was happening, I felt defeated. All the hard work I had put in – not just in the past few months – but in last decade, seemed worthless. My bad behaviors were rearing their ugly heads once more.

Alas, fret not. This story has a positive outcome. I took my struggle to the place where it belongs – therapy. I dissected the hell out of it and woke up to a new dawn. Simply being able to understand what was happening was a dramatic improvement (admitting you have a problem is the first step…). There was no running away or hiding out from what I was feeling or experiencing. Instead, I had confronted, head-on, my own foibles. I recognized, regrettably, how I had simply replaced one ailment for another and was now able to dig deeper.

Wearing our skills is the hardest part of personal development. We can intellectually absorb what needs to be done differently and study the new behaviors required to live more happily, authentically and successfully. However, when it comes time to demonstrate what we have learned, many, like me, struggle. It is like performing the dance for which you have learned all the different elements but have not put them all together at once. Within me, there is a deep belief in how I need to operate in order to achieve my own personal satisfaction. Plus, I have all the information and knowledge required to accomplish my tasks. I simply have never truly taken my desire, married it with my knowledge and put the pieces together to execute. And I kind of understand why – I have been afraid to fail. I have internalized some kind of idea or expectation that once I arrived at my destination, I would be good to go. I’d fire on all cylinders and there would be no looking back. But, as I have heard more clearly over the past few weeks, life is not about arriving at a destination, it is about the journey. There is no pass or fail – it is a series of trial and error and, hopefully, learning from errors to have fewer as time goes on. I get that. I can do that.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

This is what my life looks on this side:

I am living a healthy lifestyle. My eating is not perfect but it is greatly improved from where it was and I feel really comfortable with my choices. I have a different relationship with food and I have a strong sense of willpower to make the right choices. I have not re-introduced sugar or caffeine into my life and wheat is pretty much on the outs as well. Dairy makes a rare appearance and only in the form of the occasional cheese in a salad or a sprinkle of parmesan on a recipe. Plus eggs. I love eggs. I hardboil them and pop those suckers into my mouth for a quick protein fix after the gym. They make me happy. I have learned to enjoy cooking and have found recipes that reinforce that I can eat delicious food while still avoiding those items that cause me difficulty. I survived Easter and the presence of two growing boys who have a nonstop parade of cookies and ice cream with grace and, remarkably, little difficulty. I open my freezer regularly and see those familiar demons – pints of Talenti gelato – and it causes me no dismay. I will eat dessert again, when I choose to. I get to decide when and what. It does not choose me.

Working out has become a regular way of life for me.  Most weeks I am at the gym 4-5 times, if not more. I simply love it. I have found some great new classes, including spinning, that keep me engaged and enthusiastic, and I also enjoy my hour on the elliptical many mornings during the week. It is my time for me and I treasure it. I have learned how to prioritize myself and ensure that I get what I need to feed my soul in the most important ways. And, of course, the results feel wonderful! While I have not lost as much weight as I had hoped to by this point, I am on a steady path of progress. There is no more doing battle with my closet. Everything fits and I get to choose, happily, what to wear each day. What used to be a shaming session in the morning is now a blissful romp through my wardrobe of old favorites. I am re-establishing my relationship with lots of clothes that were tucked in the back of my closet in order for me to avoid remembering how they “used to look.” I feel like a fit person and, even this morning, as I was pumping through my spin class, I kept checking myself out in the mirror, acknowledging that I still have a long way to go. What’s different is now I have a great sense of acceptance for who I am. The reflection that stares back at me is a beautiful one that I am proud to look at. I accept my mission and will do my best to achieve my goals but, even if I stop exactly where I am, as long as I live my life in such a way that makes me feel satisfied with my efforts, I believe I will be ok.

The past is behind me. This was the important lesson I learned in the last week. I have talked so much about wanting to reframe my picture and cut out the elements that no longer fit. I am finally ready to do this authentically and sincerely. I no longer want to look backwards. The past, for me, simply doesn’t resonate any longer. Sure, it informs who I am today but there is less and less to be learned from that and, more importantly, I need to spend my time focusing on who I want to become. I am taking stock in what I have created and there is great pride to be derived from architecting a life all on my own. The survivor moniker doesn’t fit me but I can’t avoid acknowledging that I have managed to get myself to a place – with an awesome amount of hard work – where I am really strong, really confident and really amazing. I am so proud of who I am today and, without question, I am living the life I am supposed to be living. Everything in my life is within my control. There is no longer anyone who can disrupt me in the way my family and others have done so in the past. So, I can leave all that behind me because it served its purpose and I have drawn the last vials of blood left in that body. Now, I am ready to move forward.

My relationships are wonderful. I have always sought to have a large group of friends to compensate for all that was lacking from my family. There has been an insatiable need within me that, no matter how many friends I had around me, was never satisfied. Of course, no one could fill that whole. I had to learn how to do it myself. Now, I am much more content with just a few close friends, a couple of acquaintances and my wee but mighty family. I really need nothing else. Those with whom I want to spend time, I do. I choose how and when I spend my time and I am extremely selective about those with whom I give a part of myself. Partly this is because I don’t have a lot of time or emotion to spare and also because I think it is a gift to give of one’s self. We should all be very discerning about who we let into our lives and how we share pieces of ourselves. I have the most amazing circle of trusted companions, led off by MVP, my best friend. Our relationship has flourished in this new era and I am grateful for all the time and effort he has put in to help chaperone me on this path. Without question, my family is my rock – my husband and kids continually giving me a sense of peace and provide a home base for me. They have shown me that family can be a wonderful thing and I work hard every day to be a better partner and be the best mother I can be to my children, allowing them to realize their potential and their dreams in a loving and nurturing environment.

I am happy. I don’t necessarily feel it every day and I get moody and frustrated but, at the end of it all, I am happy with where I am and what I have accomplished. I am putting out a better version of me into the world and that is undeniably the best feeling ever.

So, now I am signing off for a while. This blog has served me well for many years. It has helped me traverse the jungles of my mind and the valleys of darkness that have scared and challenged me. The purpose was originally to position myself professionally and, as the wind blew me off course, I found a whole new destination of finding myself personally. I am grateful to everyone who has read this and shared their feedback, rooted me on and offered such meaningful and valuable words of encouragement. It is time for a new chapter and I will certainly start anew with a new blog to reflect my life today rather than to focus on yesterday. I am happily walking through this door.

DAY TWENTY-ONE


accomplishment

I can hardly believe that today I officially completed my 21-day purification cleanse. Looking back at where I was three weeks ago, it was hard to see the destination and I certainly could not have imagined I would feel the way I do. This process, from a physical and mental standpoint, has truly altered me. I am evidence of the fact that you can change your behaviors and develop new habits in just 21 days.

One thing I know to be true about myself is that when I set my mind to something, I will make it happen. I don’t always believe in myself at first but usually, in a short period of time, I remember what I am capable of. I always want to be an inspiration for others and to let my courage extend to those who may not be able to find the bravery in themselves. I am often underestimated and I love to prove people wrong. Perhaps it is my stubbornness. Perhaps it is my sheer force of will. Whatever the case, I will not be counted out or written off. I am capable of accomplishing great things in my life and I will not stop trying to improve who I am.

The days ahead are unclear to me as I do not have a specific maintenance plan yet but I will pull that together in the next few days. I need to first ween myself off of the belief that I cannot step outside what has become my comfort zone. I will experiment a little with the introduction of new foods and examine how it makes me feel in order to determine what I am going to include in my life going forward. For sure, I need to add variety because, by dinner tonight, I was done. I was ready for something new and different. My brain is a few steps ahead of me and knows there is more and different food to be had and my body is beginning to crave increased variety. Tonight, as I ate my (delicious) spaghetti squash with homemade tomato sauce and the rest of my family ate ravioli and sausage, I found myself wanting to take a big bite into the sausage. I refrained for many reasons but, mostly, because I knew that I would feel bloated and uncomfortable if I did. So, I am going to continue use what I have learned and what I now know to be true about my body to guide me on the next leg of this journey.

What I consumed:

  • Cleanse Shake with strawberries, bananas, blueberries and pineapple
  • Grilled chicken with olive oil, lemon juice and shallots
  • 1/2 head of cauliflower with sea salt and pepper
  • 4 dates
  • Spaghetti squash with homemade tomato sauce
  • 10 gigantic supplement capsules
  • 64 oz water

How I felt:

I woke up this morning definitely feeling better than yesterday. What felt like a rock living in my stomach seemed to have subsided a bit and I was able to get out to the gym this morning. I do think I had a bit of an overdose on the fiber so I have backed off that a bit. By this evening, I was nearly back to 100%. I continue to have tons of energy and am feeling very comfortable and content. The cravings did start creeping back in today, especially when I was organizing the pantry and found four – yes, four – packages of cookies that my son had been slipping in under my nose. I looked at them, fantasized about them for a moment or two, and then moved on. I don’t need them. If I am going to indulge, it is going to be on some delicious meal, not Chips Ahoy.

Physical Activity:

57 minutes on the elliptical.  I wanted to get a workout in today because I missed yesterday and because I am traveling for work starting tomorrow for 4 days. I am brining my clothes for workouts but my time will be tight so I am going to have quick sessions in the gym. I needed to end the cleanse on a high note physically and feel prepared of the days ahead.

I need to take note of my accomplishments as a result of the cleanse:

  • 10 lbs lost
  • Workouts almost every day (I believe I only missed about 4 or 5 days total in the 21 days)
  • Mental clarity and a general happier disposition
  • Less of a dependence on food to comfort me when I am stressed or unhappy
  • Deeper understanding of when I am hungry and how different foods make me feel

The last three are actually the most important to me.  While I still have a ways to go with my weight and would have liked to have lost 15 on the cleanse, the real reward from this experience is my state of mind and my relationship with food. I have struggled to gain control over food since I was a young kid and this is, without question, the first time in my life that I feel like I can make decisions about food without fear. I know that, like sobriety, this will not always be easy and if I slip off the wagon, I will fall hard. Nonetheless, I am confident that I am up to the task. I intentionally went public with my experience and have shared my story about the cleanse with just about anyone I run into because I want to be held accountable. I want anyone who knows me to know that I have made a commitment to change my life and they should all feel free to tap me on the shoulder if they notice I have slipped. I don’t want to hide in shame or make this a secret. This is my true battle in life and I have come to learn that, even though I am the only one who can control what I put into my mouth, I do need a support system to help me avoid triggers when possible and to mitigate my risks when I am feeling vulnerable. I cannot do this alone.

The other great accomplishment that I have underplayed a lot throughout this process is my lack of dependence on Facebook. Initially, it was the hardest part of the cleanse to not have the ability to mindlessly distract myself with perusing Facebook. Now, I don’t even think about it.  I have had to go on once or twice for business-related reasons and I never ventured beyond my company page. I did check my notifications and the other day someone told me they sent me a friend request and I accepted it. I have not seen my own page and have not looked at anyone else’s. With the exception of missing a few birthdays, I feel confident that nothing went down that was necessary for me to see. I’m not sure if I will go back on but I can guarantee that I will not be reinstalling the app on my phone or iPad. I like my independence and I’m going to keep it that way.

So, this is the end of the road, for now. I’ll be checking back in periodically to share my updates and keep that accountability. I do have some lofty goals for myself for this year. I am turning 50 in 2 years and I want to be in the best shape of my life. I want to be one of those people that is not constantly thinking about being on a diet, on a diet, or feeling guilty about the fact that I have slipped off my diet. That paradigm simply doesn’t work for me anymore. I really do want to be 50, fit and fabulous. I have a lot of work to get there but this was a pretty awesome start.

Thanks for tuning in!  More to come….

DAY TWENTY


overcoming challenges

I woke up this morning getting ready to round third base and make my way towards home. As I lay in my bed, waking myself up and preparing to get ready for the gym, I felt an awful ache in my stomach. When I got out of bed, I knew something was not right and that my slow jog around the rest of the diamond would not go as smoothly as I anticipated. Something was wrong, although I wasn’t sure what, and there was only one place I was headed – back to bed.

What I consumed:

  • Cleanse Shake with strawberries, bananas and pineapple
  • Grilled chicken with olive oil, lemon juice and shallots
  • Carrots
  • 1/2 head of cauliflower with sea salt and pepper
  • Grapes
  • 4 dates
  • Lentil soup
  • 11 gigantic supplement capsules
  • 64 oz water

How I felt:

After my rough start, I tried to get out the house to get some fresh air which backfired because I was in a tremendous amount of pain all day. My stomach was hard as a rock and, I suspect, I have a bit of a stomach bug or an overdose on fiber. Nonetheless, I was hungry all day and was surprisingly craving sugar and carbs. My son was eating crackers in the afternoon and it took all my reserved strength not to grab them from him and dive in. I’m hoping this is a temporary problem as tomorrow is my last day of the cleanse and I would like to end it on a really positive note.

Physical Activity:

None. I was hoping to go to the gym later in the day but I was lightheaded and dizzy so I decided I needed to take the day off and get some rest.

I’m excited for tomorrow and really proud of the work I have done. I have to travel Sunday-Wednesday so I am being very thoughtful and trying to plan out my food while I am gone. I am fully prepared to introduce some new foods while I’m away but I am very committed to sticking to the plan as closely as possible.It feels like I am being hurled from my safe cocoon of the cleanse right into the real world with no buffer period. This will be an interesting challenge for me and a good indication of my future success. I’m ready for it!

DAY NINETEEN


simple

As I was lamenting to my friend today about how I had run out of things to write about related to my cleanse, he challenged me to keep it succinct and limit my post to 200 words.  Let’s see if I can pull this off!

What I consumed:

  • Cleanse Shake with strawberries, bananas and pineapple
  • Broiled albacore tuna with salt, pepper, garlic and lemon
  • Sweet potato
  • Grapes
  • Grilled asparagus
  • Grilled chicken with olive oil, lemon juice and shallots
  • Carrots
  • 19 gigantic supplement capsules
  • 64 oz water

How I felt:

I’m feeling great! I noticed today how clear my mind is. In fact, one of the reasons why I don’t have much to write about is because I am feeling so content and at peace right now. I’m not sure if it is the exercise, the food or a combination of both but I feel so calm and happy. My mood relates so closely to my perspective and the purification has helped to clear out the obstacles in my way.

Physical Activity:

60 minutes on the elliptical. My thighs are still burning from the squats yesterday and, even though I wanted to be ambitious and do some weights, I could barely stand.

199 words! Done!

DAY EIGHTEEN


change

I caved today and stepped on the scale. I regretted it the second I did because I knew it would not read back what I was hoping for. There was no way it could because I didn’t weigh myself at the beginning and don’t have a clear sense of exactly what I weighed.  However, based on where I think I was, I have lost about 9 lbs. I was disappointed (which is crazy since I’ve lost 9 lbs. in 18 days) because my goal was 15 lbs. and I doubt I will achieve that with only 3 days to go. I am even more disappointed because I went back on my promise to myself to not look because, at the end of the day, it should not matter. All that matters is how I feel and how my clothes fit – and both of those are positively great.

What I consumed:

  • Cleanse Shake with strawberries, bananas and pineapple
  • Broiled albacore tuna with salt, pepper, garlic and lemon
  • Quinoa with roasted butternut squash and green onion
  • Grapes
  • Grilled chicken with salt, pepper, garlic and oregano
  • Lentil soup
  • 19 gigantic supplement capsules
  • 64 oz water

How I felt:

I backed down to one Ambien and slept great last night. I woke up at just about 6am and was well rested. I had a hard time keeping my eyes open last night and fell asleep watching TV really early. My workout yesterday really knocked me out! I am still amazed at how much energy I have and how much I can squeeze into my day. Despite the fact that I am super busy with work, I still manage to fit in a daily trip (every day this week since Saturday!) and I have been cooking dinner every night. In the past all three of those in one day would seem like an impossibility. I really do feel like a different person.

Physical Activity:

I am unbelievably sore from yesterday’s circuit. It has been a long time since I have done squats and they really killed me today. I debated not going to the gym this morning because my thighs were screaming in pain but I persevered because I knew I needed it mentally as much as physically. I was able to do a full 60 minutes on the elliptical and that was it. I have hardly been able to get up and down out my chair and am walking a little funny so I am satisfied with today’s workout!

As my cleanse draws to a close, I am trying to do a bit of a personal inventory and really focus in on what is different beyond just what I am putting into my body. There is no doubt that my relationship with food is not the same and I have a new appreciation for the quality and quantity of what I eat. Last night, after grocery shopping, I was cleaning out the cabinets and made a decision to discard some foods that I accepted would not be part of my diet going forward. I dumped out three boxes of cereal, which was really hard for me because I love cereal. As a kid, and well into adulthood, cereal was a comfort food for me.  I don’t necessarily like sugary cereals but I really enjoy the experience of eating a bowl in the morning or, sometimes, as a late in the evening snack (yes, I know just how bad that is for me). As I was moving things around in the cabinets, I looked at the three boxes crowding the top shelf of my pantry and contemplated them for a moment. The boxes were relatively full and I hate to waste food. Knowing that I am going to do my best to eat clean and unprocessed foods, I couldn’t reconcile keeping the cereal because I knew that I would not be including it into my meal plan any time soon and they would just sit there creating unnecessary temptation. It felt like a bold move and was incredibly symbolic as I took all three boxes, dumped the inner bags into the garbage and threw the boxes into recycling. Done.

Tonight, as I was cooking dinner for my family, I had the most interesting experience because I could not taste anything I was cooking. There were so many moments when I had to consciously avoid licking my fingers or taking a bite to see how the foods tasted. It required a level of discipline that normally does not exist for me and proved that I was operating from a different place.

Ironically, it feels like watching what I eat creates too much of a focus on food for me. The fact that I have to always plan ahead and pend a lot more time thinking about the foods I am going to eat makes food take such a front seat in my life. I’ve clarified my perspective on this because what I have found over the past few weeks is that I have gained a new respect for food. It no longer is an all-consuming and controlling element in my life. The tables have turned and now I control the food. I have the power to decide what I want to eat and how much of it I am going to take in. I have the power as opposed to how powerless I used to feel with food.

Don’t let me fool you, though. I am no superhero. Today, I was confronted with many temptations and had to steel myself not to succumb. I know that as soon as the door is ajar and I can invite new and different options into my life, it will get more difficult and I will be headed down a slippery slope. The good news is that I’m up for the task and pretty excited to continue to expand my new relationship with food. I can’t guarantee that I won’t be eating some sugar and carbs down the road but I am going to be very thoughtful about how I factor them into my plan.

There is no debating that something has shifted and I could not be happier or more proud of the hard work I have put into this.

DAY SEVENTEEN


cooking

Normally on St. Patrick’s Day, I am eating corned beef and cabbage. There has hardly been a year that I can remember when I didn’t enjoy that holiday meal. Throw in some Irish soda bread and I am a happy camper. This year, I didn’t even realize it was St. Patrick’s Day until I was in the car listening to the radio later in the day and they were talking about the crowds in New York City at the parade. It simply slipped off my radar. And, yes, this was the year without my corned beef. I didn’t even miss it.

What I consumed:

  • Cleanse Shake with strawberries, bananas and pineapple
  • Broiled salmon with mustard, lemon, olive oil, basil
  • Quinoa with roasted butternut squash and green onion
  • Sliced Orange
  • 19 gigantic supplement capsules
  • 64 oz water

This is the second time this week that my lunch was so filling that I didn’t have an appetite for dinner. I did cook up some tuna steaks to save for tomorrow. I am learning to love lemon – especially with fish!

How I felt:

I doubled up on the ambien again last night to help me sleep and it worked like a charm. I am going to back it down to one after last night because I woke up really groggy which slowed me down a bit in the morning. My hope is that having a few nights of solid sleep will get me back into a better pattern.  We’ll see. Otherwise, I feel great! I’m like the energizer bunny and seem to be able to get more done in a day than I used to be able to do in a week, which is very welcomed.

Physical Activity:

I had the best workout I have had in a very long time this morning. My friend joined me at the gym and he and I did a really fun core routine that I made up for us. I spent 57 minutes on the elliptical (broken into two segments – 40 minutes before core workout and 17 minutes afterwards). We then did a routine lasting one minute for each cycle that included: paired crunches passing an 8.5 lb. medicine ball including twists for the obliques, squats with 5 lb. weights, 30 second planks and 30 seconds of push-ups. We did that circuit twice (mostly because my friend hasn’t been to the gym in a while and he needed to stop – I would have done two more sets). Then I did a machines focusing on my shoulders and triceps. And then back to elliptical. I felt amazing afterwards and truly could have stayed at the gym for another 2 hours. I love paired workouts like that but I don’t often have a buddy at the gym with me so I usually have to do them myself.  I am now committed to creating a good circuit workout for myself! I will note, however, that by 8pm tonight, my body was really hurting, which actually felt great.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I don’t really cook. I have been fortunate enough to be married to a man who loves to cook and does it well. Before my kids were born and I was juggling motherhood with my commute into Manhattan, I did a bit more of the cooking in our house but never fancied myself a good or adventurous cook. My repertoire was relatively limited to a few dishes and, now and again, I would experiment with recipes I would find.  Generally my big cooking was relegated to holidays and celebrations when I found myself motivated to tackle different dishes. When I first met my husband, in the very early days of us dating, I did make him a romantic dinner in my apartment and pulled out all the stops. He claims to have enjoyed it but it was the beginning of the relationship, the times when we aren’t always as truthful because we have ulterior motives. I don’t hate cooking but, over the years, I have found it more burdensome and time consuming, and my lack of ingenuity when it comes to pulling meals together has kept me away from the kitchen for a long time. On the other hand, I do love to bake. Here again, I have my staples that I make again and again but I love to experiment with baking and feel a bit more confident about my abilities because there are far fewer complexities (in my opinion, anyway) to baking than with cooking, in general. My best friend always teases me because I tend to follow baking recipes a bit loosely, not perfectly measuring everything out. I make it work though.

As I prepare myself for life after the cleanse, I have been trying to gear myself up for some cooking. Because I know some of what I might be eating will be strictly for me and different than what the rest of the family will be eating, I need to start being able to prepare my own dishes.  I’ve done a bit of cooking during the cleanse, creating a yummy lentil soup, trying out some sauces and dressings and getting more adept at cooking fish – something that has always eluded me. Today I spent some time on Pinterest looking for healthy recipes using ingredients that will be part of my post-cleanse life. I’m actually excited about the idea of cooking and having more control over what goes into my body. As the landscape expands and more foods are available to me, I am looking forward to trying out some new foods that never interested me before. As much as I love quinoa, for instance, I have never ventured beyond substituting it for rice. Today I found recipes for muffins and pancakes and oatmeal-like dishes – ways in which I never would have dreamed using it. It may sound silly and naive but I simply never thought that much about food before.  I just ate the things I knew tasted good and kept my diet pretty simple – albeit not entirely healthy.

I hoped at the beginning that 21 days would help to form new habits for me and, no doubt, it has. I still have four days left but I can already see such remarkable differences. I would have never believed it if you told me that I would feel this way in such a short time but now I am a believer!