DAY EIGHTEEN

change

I caved today and stepped on the scale. I regretted it the second I did because I knew it would not read back what I was hoping for. There was no way it could because I didn’t weigh myself at the beginning and don’t have a clear sense of exactly what I weighed.  However, based on where I think I was, I have lost about 9 lbs. I was disappointed (which is crazy since I’ve lost 9 lbs. in 18 days) because my goal was 15 lbs. and I doubt I will achieve that with only 3 days to go. I am even more disappointed because I went back on my promise to myself to not look because, at the end of the day, it should not matter. All that matters is how I feel and how my clothes fit – and both of those are positively great.

What I consumed:

  • Cleanse Shake with strawberries, bananas and pineapple
  • Broiled albacore tuna with salt, pepper, garlic and lemon
  • Quinoa with roasted butternut squash and green onion
  • Grapes
  • Grilled chicken with salt, pepper, garlic and oregano
  • Lentil soup
  • 19 gigantic supplement capsules
  • 64 oz water

How I felt:

I backed down to one Ambien and slept great last night. I woke up at just about 6am and was well rested. I had a hard time keeping my eyes open last night and fell asleep watching TV really early. My workout yesterday really knocked me out! I am still amazed at how much energy I have and how much I can squeeze into my day. Despite the fact that I am super busy with work, I still manage to fit in a daily trip (every day this week since Saturday!) and I have been cooking dinner every night. In the past all three of those in one day would seem like an impossibility. I really do feel like a different person.

Physical Activity:

I am unbelievably sore from yesterday’s circuit. It has been a long time since I have done squats and they really killed me today. I debated not going to the gym this morning because my thighs were screaming in pain but I persevered because I knew I needed it mentally as much as physically. I was able to do a full 60 minutes on the elliptical and that was it. I have hardly been able to get up and down out my chair and am walking a little funny so I am satisfied with today’s workout!

As my cleanse draws to a close, I am trying to do a bit of a personal inventory and really focus in on what is different beyond just what I am putting into my body. There is no doubt that my relationship with food is not the same and I have a new appreciation for the quality and quantity of what I eat. Last night, after grocery shopping, I was cleaning out the cabinets and made a decision to discard some foods that I accepted would not be part of my diet going forward. I dumped out three boxes of cereal, which was really hard for me because I love cereal. As a kid, and well into adulthood, cereal was a comfort food for me.  I don’t necessarily like sugary cereals but I really enjoy the experience of eating a bowl in the morning or, sometimes, as a late in the evening snack (yes, I know just how bad that is for me). As I was moving things around in the cabinets, I looked at the three boxes crowding the top shelf of my pantry and contemplated them for a moment. The boxes were relatively full and I hate to waste food. Knowing that I am going to do my best to eat clean and unprocessed foods, I couldn’t reconcile keeping the cereal because I knew that I would not be including it into my meal plan any time soon and they would just sit there creating unnecessary temptation. It felt like a bold move and was incredibly symbolic as I took all three boxes, dumped the inner bags into the garbage and threw the boxes into recycling. Done.

Tonight, as I was cooking dinner for my family, I had the most interesting experience because I could not taste anything I was cooking. There were so many moments when I had to consciously avoid licking my fingers or taking a bite to see how the foods tasted. It required a level of discipline that normally does not exist for me and proved that I was operating from a different place.

Ironically, it feels like watching what I eat creates too much of a focus on food for me. The fact that I have to always plan ahead and pend a lot more time thinking about the foods I am going to eat makes food take such a front seat in my life. I’ve clarified my perspective on this because what I have found over the past few weeks is that I have gained a new respect for food. It no longer is an all-consuming and controlling element in my life. The tables have turned and now I control the food. I have the power to decide what I want to eat and how much of it I am going to take in. I have the power as opposed to how powerless I used to feel with food.

Don’t let me fool you, though. I am no superhero. Today, I was confronted with many temptations and had to steel myself not to succumb. I know that as soon as the door is ajar and I can invite new and different options into my life, it will get more difficult and I will be headed down a slippery slope. The good news is that I’m up for the task and pretty excited to continue to expand my new relationship with food. I can’t guarantee that I won’t be eating some sugar and carbs down the road but I am going to be very thoughtful about how I factor them into my plan.

There is no debating that something has shifted and I could not be happier or more proud of the hard work I have put into this.

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