your road

I have reached the point in the cleanse where I no longer care about eating. Now I eat because I have to. Because I’m so plugged into how my body feels, I’m acutely aware of the plummeting energy levels when I don’t eat. So, I’ve reached that wonderful point where I’m feeding my body food for energy. And, I love that. I was in the grocery store today replenishing some of my vegetables and I wandered around a bit, realizing that there was no place for me to go in the market outside of the produce section. It was a little bit disappointing but much more comforting because all temptation of snacks was off the table. I exited the store without the guilt or angst I sometimes feel when I have snuck in a treat for myself that I really have no business smuggling into the house.

What I consumed:

  • Cleanse Shake with strawberries, pineapple and banana
  • Baby carrots with guacamole
  • Sliced apples
  • Sweet potato with sea salt and pepper
  • Lentil soup
  • 6 dates
  • 19 gigantic supplement capsules
  • 64 oz water

How I felt:

Today was a good day. I felt energetic all day and was in a fairly upbeat mood, for the most part. I’m managing some big challenges and trying to stay focused on positivity. I did have therapy today, which helped to maintain my sanity. I sensed my therapist’s amusement at the random thoughts flying out of mouth, creating a verbal tennis match as I explained to her the myriad thought processes that I have been partaking in over the last week. This was the first time, outside of my blog, that I have had a chance to expel all that has been in my head and it felt really good to let it out!

My hunger pangs have diminished significantly and, overall, I feel healthy and fit. It is a nice feeling that I am not ready to let go of anytime soon.

Physical Activity:

I did not get a chance to make it to the gym today because of a very hectic work schedule and commitments with the kids. I gave myself the night off so I could do important tasks like folding the mountain of laundry that has piled up.

This afternoon I wandered into my husband’s office and looked at his computer screen which had Facebook opened. It felt like I was eyeing the forbidden fruit. There was a temptation to sneak on under his profile and see what was happening with my Facebook pals. I tiptoed over to his desk and, just as gingerly, backed away. I did not want to break the seal. I’m really proud of sticking to my commitment to stay off of Facebook during this cleanse. It’s still the biggest craving I have every day, especially when I have downtime and want to just mindlessly escape. Without access to Facebook, I continue to feel incredibly disconnected with what is going on around me. And, frankly, even admitting that makes me really sad because, as I have mentioned before, Facebook has become my main connection point to the world around me. Then again, maybe that is not all that terrible. I like the ability to catch up on what my friends are doing in a succinct manner. While it would be great if I could find time to text or call all the people I would like to, it’s simply not a luxury I can afford these days and scrolling through Facebook allows me to accomplish some of that quickly and easily. The part of this that actually is most disappointing is that my dependence on Facebook is directly correlated to how overworked I am and how little time I have to devote to tending to my personal life and my emotional gardening.

I was talking to my therapist about my Facebook hiatus and she commented that she expected I would return to dozens of friend requests. “Because that is how popular I imagine you are,” she smiled. I laughed because I know a lot of people assume that about me. In fact, I am one of those people who knows A LOT of people. Everyone assumes I know everyone because I travel in lots of different circles. But, in truth, I live on the peripherary of them all. I could not tell you the last party I was invited to or the last time anyone invited me out to dinner. Usually, I run into people and we smile and chat and that’s the extent of our connection. Or we banter on Facebook. Sure, I also have those friends with whom I share a more intimate relationship but those relationships usually exist primarily in the land of text messaging. Lots of text messaging. We should get together. I miss you. How ARE you? All genuine and heartfelt – and beginning and ending on the screen of my phone. I don’t, in reality, have that many friends and I often tend to isolate myself – especially when I am under stress. I wall myself off and keep everything on the inside. For, as extroverted as I am, when it comes to crisis, I tend to lock myself up in a hole and manage it independently.

When my therapist asked me about my experience with the cleanse (she clearly has not read my blog), I shared that being confronted with an array of emotions is good and bad and, really, all I wanted to do is curl up like a little kid and have someone take care of me. “I want my mommy,” I whimpered. Ironic, for many reasons, most importantly because my mom was never the kind of mother who would comfort me in that way. Yet, even though I never experienced that level of contentment with my mother, I know for certain that it is exactly what I need right now. I just need nurturing but, as usual, with the swarms of people I know, I can’t find a single person to help me out. Not because of them – that’s all on me.

I go back to therapy on Day 19. Let’s see if I just walk into her office and curl up in the fetal position. At this rate, it seems inevitable.

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