One week down!
Hard to believe it was just one week ago that I was sitting at my dining room table chowing down on my final meal of short ribs and mashed potatoes capped off by a delicious fruit tart, before beginning this process. It hardly seems like that could have been just 7 days ago because I feel like I have been on this cleanse for months. And, today, I was really thankful to be where I am. I was out with a friend doing some shopping and I received a very troubling email that would have, otherwise, sent me into a tailspin of eating. My friend and I were standing in the store picking out bed linens and, after I read it, I calmly explained to him what was going on and continued on with my shopping. He was surprised at my reaction and I simply stated that there was nothing I could do to fix the problem at this moment and could not let it disrupt me. I had a purpose at the store and needed to focus on that. My normal reaction to a situation like this would have been to withhold the information from my friend, keep it bottled up inside and then go home and binge. I would have stuffed down my feelings and numbed myself with food. Not today. I calmly finished up my shopping, returned home and worked through my discomfort throughout the day. And I survived.
What I consumed:
- Cleanse Shake with strawberries, mango, pineapple
- Cleanse Shake with strawberries and blueberries
- Cauliflower with fresh garlicky tomato sauce (so delicious!)
- Salad with cucumbers, tomatoes, beets and homemade vinaigrette
- Quinoa with peppers, onions and mushrooms
- Fresh pineapple
- 30 gigantic supplement capsules
- 64 oz water
How I felt:
I felt really good today. My cold seems to have subsided and I was pretty upbeat and energetic most of the day, even despite my derailment. I woke up what seemed very early and, when I looked at my bedside clock, it read 7:05am. So, I went downstairs and, when I walked into the kitchen, I saw the clock on the microwave reading 6:09am. I was confused until I realized that my bedside clock automatically resets for Daylight Savings Time and, for some reason, it adjusted itself a day early! I was happy to have the extra hour and returned to bed. Today was my last day with the cleanse capsules and I am so happy to be done with them. I did notice, when getting dressed this morning. that my clothes fit just a tad more comfortably. Since I have not been tracking my weight, I have no idea if I actually lost any weight but I definitely feel a bit less bloated.
I didn’t get to the gym today but was out for a big chunk of time this afternoon and did a good deal of walking. It was nice to have a break from the gym and will be back there tomorrow. We are also setting up a DVD player in the basement so my son and I can start doing P90X together.
As I was dealing with my crisis today, I had the great line from Airplane playing in my head “Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.” Of course, every week has its own set of challenges and no matter when I opted to do this cleanse, I would have been confronted with a variety of difficulties. Interestingly, when I decided to embark on this cleanse, I did not go through my typical compulsive analysis process, thinking through all the elements of the experience and how it might impact the rest of my life. Instead, I heard about it from my friend, quickly researched it, ordered the supplies and put the plan in motion. In fact, I only briefly mentioned it to a few close friends and kept the news mostly to myself. This is highly unusual for me. The fact that I chose to include a Facebook hiatus as part of the detox was also a bold and surprising move because I often rely upon the ability to socialize these challenges and use the feedback as momentum to fuel my efforts. Instead, at the most unlikely of times, I chose to make this private. Well, not completely private because I am blogging about it, of course. But blogging offers accountability rather than support. Blogging is more of a one-way communication whereas Facebook provides a dialogue.
This time, I did not convene a support team. I isolated myself and chose to tackle this burden individually. I’m curious about my underlying motives and reasoning because my approach to all of this reflects behavior quite uncharacteristic of me. I gave some thought to this last night and keyed in on some interesting points. Most significant is that my best friend is on a two-week vacation and is pretty much out of contact with me. So, one of my primary support systems – someone who would normally be a daily coach to urge me on – is not available to me. That did not go unnoticed to me nor did it seem coincidental. Plus, I barely mentioned this to my husband and family before I began. There was a brief comment at dinner one night that I would be embarking on this process the following week. “Buckle up,” was the message. “It’s going to be rough seas around here.” It was more of a storm warning than a call for support.
There’s no denying that I am fiercely independent. Fiercely. Probably, much to the dismay of those who love me the most. Get too close and I might push you away. I loathe neediness, particularly in myself. Yet, I am an extrovert by nature and gain energy from socializing. My mood is always lifted after I have endured a respite of interaction and re-immerse myself into the world of my friends. I tend to always look for partners for my adventures – like my shopping trip today. And still, I made this a discreet endeavor. Lately, because of some challenges in my life, I have been feeling unusually needy and vulnerable and I have to wonder if this provided me an opportunity to separate myself and assert my independence. Perhaps I am trying to prove to myself that I am capable of enduring challenges individually and independently. In this case, the absence of the usual suspects rooting me on and having my back, while unfamiliar, is surprisingly not uncomfortable. It, for sure, is odd. It feels unnatural while. conversely, seems appropriate.
My best friend, who often provides me with a meaningful reflection of myself, frequently comments about my unique ability to change when I need to. He appreciates my commitment to solving a problem or improving a situation that demands my attention, strategically and surgically. I am never afraid to embark on a mission for growth. But I usually have a co-pilot or a wingman at my side. This time, it is a solo flight and I don’t think I hate it. I might feel liberated, just a little bit. At a time when I am confronting some issues around my own isolation in the world and my lack of a deeper family support system, this seems like a risky move. I’m not sure what my behavior means or if it means anything at all. It’s just interesting to me because I am always curious about the underlying reasons why I do the things that I do. I am inquisitive about the subtleties of my behavior that often have a deeper implication.
This feels different. Not scary. Not exhilarating. Just different. And noteworthy.