Day Six. I just had to walk out of the kitchen as my whole family was enjoying some ice cream for dessert. Even I have my limits… I am quite proud to have almost completed my first week. This is not easy and I still feel like I am climbing up the mountain, nowhere near the top. At this point, I am truly taking it day by day and each day that I can mark off the calendar having stayed on course is a successful day. Each time that I face challenges (like the homemade chips my husband made for the kids tonight or my lack of desire to trudge off to the gym) and I persevere, I feel victorious.
What I consumed:
- Cleanse Shake with strawberries, mango, pineapple
- Cleanse Shake with strawberries and blueberries
- Carrots and guacamole
- Head of cauliflower with sea salt and pepper
- Head of broccoli with sea salt and pepper
- Sautéed spinach with garlic and sea salt
- Quinoa with peppers, onions and mushrooms
- 30 gigantic supplement capsules
- 64 oz water
How I felt:
I’m fighting a cold and seem to be managing to keep it at bay. I’m still pretty exhausted and want to nap all the time (but don’t). I am not experiencing any hunger throughout the day and my cravings have all but gone away. Well, with the exception of Special K. I seem to be craving Special K cereal today – odd! The bloated and uncomfortable feeling has dissipated and I feel much more comfortable in my body, which is a nice feeling that I have not experienced in a very long time. I am frustrated about my low energy level. I was hoping that would shift by now and that I would be filled with energy. Tomorrow is the last day I take the cleanse capsules so I am hoping that, with that, I will be less fatigued from the physical effects of the detox. My mood is still up and down and I woke up cranky and annoyed today, finding myself frustrated by stupid things. But, I threw myself into work and felt really satisfied with my output which helped to improve my mood immensely.
I made it to the gym today and spent 47 minutes on the elliptical and did 50 crunches on the ab machine with 70 lbs of weight. That is definitely going to hurt tomorrow! I am still struggling with my stamina at the gym. Normally an hour on the elliptical is very tolerable for me and, lately, I feel really exhausted from it. Again, I suspect this is from the detox. I am looking forward to more energy bursts next week.
While at the gym today, I was watching some TV on my iPad and the show I watched provoked some heavy emotions. The main character in the episode was a woman, feeling alone in the world because of her distant mother and lack of family. I could obviously relate. In one scene she was visiting with a close friend and she made an innocuous comment about how she felt like this particular friend was like her family. “Yours is the only house I can stop by without calling first,” she commented. Oddly, that statement struck me and caused a string of thoughts. Immediately, I took a personal inventory and tried to think of anyone with whom I felt welcome enough to stop by without first calling. I thought about my closest friend (who does not live locally so I don’t have the occasion to just drop in) and knew, instinctively, that I would not feel comfortable enough to do that with even him. I felt sad and disappointed and recognized that the difficulty I might experience could have more to do with me than with him. Even though he sets clear boundaries in his life, he has made it clear to me that I would always be welcome. Yet, I know I would likely not feel comfortable doing so. Where do these walls come from? What is the root of this discomfort?
When the show was over, I kept pumping away on the elliptical, fired up and frustrated. I tried to be contemplative about this and started thinking back to my childhood neighborhood. Growing up, I lived on a very tight-knit block. When I was very young and my parents were still living together, our family was very close with almost everyone on our street. My parents’ best friends lived three doors down and the neighbors right next to us, before they moved to New Jersey, were also like an extended family. I remember, so fleetingly, feeling very connected to our neighbors and having the security that we were all attached in a special way. As time progressed and my parents’ relationship took a dark turn, I began to feel a growing isolated. The neighborhood barbecues started to dissipate – or, at least, we were no longer participants. Even though the problem was the abusive behavior demonstrated by my parents, enhanced by my father’s drinking, it felt like I was the one being ostracized. And, adding to my burden, as my family unit continued to decay, my neediness grew and I searched for solace in those nearest to me. But I suddenly felt like a trespasser in everyone else’s life. Like today, I am unclear if that was my self-manifested because I was shameful about my parents and sensed the hesitation others felt about being around them. My reluctance to even ring a doorbell grew and I felt like I was awkwardly inserting myself into everyone else’s family. My home base was unsafe and, to me, it seemed like no one was willing to offer me asylum.
Perhaps I was carrying the burdens of my parents. Maybe I harbored shame that was not mine to absorb. Nonetheless, the ease with which I had previously traversed my ‘hood was gone and I was now an interloper, intruding on others as I tried to take cover. Upon reflection, I guess I may still shoulder some of that burden today – a familiar discomfort that continues to keep me isolated. And, with those closest to me, the stakes are the highest and the challenge is the greatest.
It gave me pause today. It provoked me to consider how much of that baggage I am continue to travel with. And how I might unload some of it. As I said when I started this cleanse, my goal was to release some emotional toxins. They sure are being pushed to the surface. As with each day, I take it all in, slowly processing this information and sorting it out as I am ready. No answers today.