DAY FIVE

geneen roth suffering

What I consumed:

  • Cleanse Shake with strawberries, mango, pineapple
  • Fresh pineapple
  • Salad with greens, tomato, cucumber and warm quinoa with mushrooms, onions and peppers with homemade balsamic vinaigrette
  • Orange
  • 30 gigantic supplement capsules
  • 64 oz water

How I felt:

I’m getting sick to my body feels really rundown. And, I don’t have much of an appetite, which is apparent from my very minimal food intake today. I just don’t feel much like eating or preparing any foods. It is 7:30pm and I am already in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. So, that is going to impact my experience for the next few days, for sure. But, I am sticking to the plan.

Physical Activity:

None. Today we had a snowstorm and, even though I had to go out for a meeting, by the time I would have had time to go to the gym, the roads were pretty bad. So, no exercise today but I feel good about the fact that I have worked out the past 3 days. I am hoping to go out tomorrow morning to the gym, depending upon how I feel.

I woke up this morning feeling equally pleased with my progress thus far and in a state of generalized annoyance. I hate that feeling. I cannot place my finger on what it is that is bothering me and yet I feel disjointed and disconnected from myself. This week has been an interesting roller coaster ride for me. I have already experienced a wide range of emotions, sometimes changing by the hour. As I have shared, removing my crutch of food as a way to soothe myself or escape from my feelings, I have been forced to just sit with them instead. And, removing Facebook as another distraction has been even more intense. It feels like staring at myself in the mirror all day. I am looking at every imperfection and studying it closely, determining if it is as bad as I think it is or, in fact, if it is even worse than I originally imagined.

I have a love/hate relationship with change that roots back to my childhood when I sought out change and prayed for things to be different in my life while simultaneously fearing the unknown. It was a recurring internal discussion over the devil you know versus the devil you don’t know. And, not until well into adulthood did I finally understand that change can be very positive and that, usually, radical change results in growth and improvement in your life. But I still hang on to what is familiar, even if that means bad behaviors. It’s what I know and what makes me comfortable, even if it is actually making me uncomfortable. The way I typically force change in my life is to create a large disruption. A self-induced crisis that shines a spotlight on whatever it is that is causing me the most distress. This process often leaves me feeling powerless to the situation and creates a chain reaction for me, causing me to step forward and take charge of that which I feel I have no control over (but actually had full control over from the beginning). It’s a ridiculous cycle that I rarely notice until I am on the other side of it. I would not call myself graceful about how I move through my life sometimes.

The kindness and grace that I offer to others is rarely something I am generous about with myself. I can be abusive and hurtful to myself as I navigate the toughest of terrains, often judgmental and unforgiving. I truly dislike these aspects of myself and find them to be self-propelled and overly propagated. I rarely think about the inner child that lives within me. I don’t tend to her as protectively and with love and nurturing as I should. I forget that she is looking for a helping hand in the same way as my family and friends, with whom I happily and willingly offer it up. She is neglected and gets angry, taking out her frustrations on me. And the cycle continues.

I’d like to say right here that I am going to do a better job of taking care of my inner self and learn to be more loving and kind but that is a task I don’t know that I can tackle that easily. I wish I could say that I could do this on my own without the help of others offering up their own brand of TLC to me but I know that this is not a solitary task. I believe that overcoming my brand of self-medication will require me to care for myself in a much more tender way and I know, in order to do that, I need to get rid of the vitriolic tape that plays on a loop in my head. As much as I have learned to forgive myself for that which I am least proud, I still hang on to some serious negativity. I do everything in my power to keep that locked down but, by doing so, I just point the rifle at myself again and again. I would like to be able to stop the war and sign a peace treaty that allows me to allow myself to flourish.

I’d like that.

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